Predicament of Parenting A Pre-teen in the 21st Century
(In a Mother’s Perspective)


In the past, my role was only to listen to the satirical complaints of my friends regarding their growing up children. I was exposed to vibrant, humorous or poignant experiences on parenting which I considered exciting and multihued to collate. I was contented to hear their stories. On my part, I have little to share because my daughter gave me only few headaches then, not worthy to cause my blood pressure to rise.

I only have one daughter now aged twelve. When she was younger, she was identified more with the physical features of her dad. However, as she grows up, it is noticeable that her distinctive physical features are emerging not typical either from me or her father. In animal breeding, she will be recognized as “cross-breed” or product of amalgamation.

She has a beauty of her own which I believe is appreciated in accordance with how beauty is defined by a person. It is not wise for me to assert that my daughter is beautiful because to do so will invite accusation of partiality. Remember, a mother, almost in all angles oftentimes sees her son or daughter beautiful. The inclination to praise, admire and brag your children sprouts from the overflowing love and affection accompanied with pride and joy. I observed that this tendency becomes a defect when the discourse is focused to a topic diverse from parenting or motherhood but the mother infuses unexpectedly or inappropriately the topic of her parenting or motherhood in the conversation. It is not a conscious effort to provoke rather it is one unconsciously ignited by instincts. The problem is, not everybody understands the instinct. A listener may develop disinterest in the topic and eventually create irritation or resistance. Not everybody is gifted with the power of understanding. However when it comes motherhood, it is claimed that the experience is more or less common and universal. A mother tends to forget the appropriateness of the topic when there is open possibility to discuss parenting or her children. Vulnerability to this situation is likely because mothers are usually proud of their children, including their success and achievements. I have my own personal experiences on this. Many times, I heard complaints from my comrades expressing dislike to some of our common friends because the latter accordingly did nothing but to brag about their children in exaggerated manners though not warranted by the occasions or circumstances. I did not develop the same feeling maybe because I have already cultivated deep understanding to circumstances of this nature. My belief was the more talk, the more opportunity to listen and the more opportunity to listen means the better chances of learning. I supposed that since I was good in listening, my notes in parenting are adequate guidance in my own parenting. But I was disproved.

When my daughter started wearing trendy, sexy, daring and lady like clothes including ornamental accessories, though surprised, I was never alarmed. I reasoned out this child is growing under my shadow adopting exactly my obsession to stylish, daring and colorful clothes including flamboyant or glaring accessories. But when my husband began complaining about the time she consumed in dressing up, I also became observant. At one time, I went inside the room and saw several clothes scattered in her bed. When she saw me, she asked if she looks good in the said dress she was wearing. When I said, “yes”, I thought it was all over and we can now leave the house. I was dazed because she instead shifted from one dress to another until she finally settled to the last one but only after noticing her dad’s display of annoyance. It was like a fashion show viewed as audience by me and two of our house-helpers.

Then her text messages grew by volumes. When asked about this incidence, she educated me about this “GM” thing which she referred to as group messages. When I examined her messages, I found nothing to fear as the numbers belonged to the same network where texts and calls were offered for free. Since her room is annexed to our room, many times I was disturbed by the noise of her cellular phones indicating incoming messages. I wouldn’t know if she’s still awake because it is not my habit to disturb her when is studying or asleep. Then, there were phone calls from male classmates and friends. My husband did not mind at all. The phone calls, he said came from little boys. He merely gave me a shrug or a bullish smile which I interpreted as signs of “out of danger”. Then, one day, my daughter instructed me to prepare food as she invited her friends to come to the house. I was excited. I wanted to see her friends and assessed them thereafter. Why assess? Well, I was hoping to find out their characters. The saying, ‘”Birds of the same feather, flock together” seemed to interest me then. On the other hand, I also believed in the saying that “Those who flock get the same feather”. Whichever is applicable, one thing I’m sure of, I was determined to know her friends. Anything about my daughter matters to me.

Then finally her friends came to our house, two girls and three little boys. To sum up, there were six of them in the house including my daughter. They danced, sang and played games in the computer while I stayed impatiently in my room and peeped from time to time to get in touch of the things they were doing. When I went out to prepare lunch, I saw all of them converged in my daughter’s bed seriously engaged in a conversation. I heard them revealing their crushes and talking about their class or school mates who already have boyfriends or girlfriends. This time I felt awkward with what I heard. I said to myself, are these topics being normally discussed by preteens at this generation? The conversation I overheard appeared to like a conversation of matured individuals.

I convinced myself, I should not worry. I surreptitiously tracked down my daughter’s class standing and I ended up like guilty mother when she remained in the list of outstanding students in her class. I felt embarrassed with myself. My daughter spilled no malice in everything that she disclosed to me and dad. She would almost tell us everything what she did in school. She would also enumerate her class or schools mates with steady partners. She told us that she has a number of secret admirers whom she cannot identify or confirm. Sometimes she would ask me if when I was of her age, did have any suitors or boyfriend? I decided to be honest and I told her I have crushes but no boyfriend yet until I was 14. I explained to her that when I was 14, I managed to accept a suitor because of the apples which he gave me. I never understood then that saying ‘yes” meant that he would become officially my boyfriend. I told her it was mere play relationship and no emotional attachments. My daughter is intelligent and she readily understood what I meant.

Then, lately, she has been asking me regularly if she looks ugly. The frequency of this inquiry is increasing so my task is to identify and source out the root cause of this query. My daughter has the tendency to compare my experience with her. She would wonder why she has no suitors yet. I regretted having told her about my experiences. I also began looking at the possibility of peer pressure. She is too young to get involved so much on infatuation.
All of a sudden, she sought my advice. I was excited at first but when she disclosed to me that she revealed to a boy that he was her crush, my reaction was impulsive. I instantly told her that her conduct was uncalled for and that she appears to me and to the mother of the boy as a “flirt”. I told her that admiration or crush must be kept or concealed. It is customary that the boy runs after the girl and not the other way around. The poor girl was devastated with my reaction. She cried and sent messages to her friends telling them that she is flirt for declaring openly her crush. This created a complication because most of her friends also reacted saying that she meant to label all of them as flirt as well because they also revealed their crushes publicly. I actually created a mess which contributed to the pain and embarrassment which my daughter felt at that time. Wanting to remedy her mistake and to suit with my expectations, she requested me to read her draft text message which she intended to send to her crush. The message states that “there was no truth on what she said… and that she was only compelled to yield to the demands of her friends who dared her to say it and finally it was purely for fun sake.” When I read it, my heart was crushed. My daughter was trying to cure the mess that I created. I’m supposed to deal cautiously with a fragile 12 year old girl, guide her of what to do and help her cope up with adolescence. But regrettably, my reaction taught her instead malice and spite. Now, it is my turn to remedy her problem. I embraced her and told simply, you need not send that message darling. You were just playing, a thing which little boys and girls do. Crush is just an admiration and nothing more. She finally became composed when she heard it, and then she kissed me good night, went to her room and slept soundly. I guess the instincts of a mother worked on me at that very moment. I succeeded to comfort the child and to appease her pain and anxiety.

I regretted my immature way of confronting the issue. I also lamented my inability to focus and understand the dilemma of adolescence. I almost wrecked my daughter. I nearly drove her away from me. If it were not of her exceptional ability to discern my reaction, it could have created a gap which would detach us from each other. My introspection told me that it was then my daughter who taught me to find out my mistakes. It was her who guided me how to properly treat a preteen with trust and confidence. While engrossed in watching every details of my daughter’s transformation, I invited malice to work in my mind. I yielded to the belief that Infatuation in this early age provides nothing except false notions and illusions of love. Emotions that are so overpowering are oftentimes dangerous and deceptive. If not properly guided, a preteen might be directed on the wrong way. I heard so many tales of teenage pregnancy and this greatest fear occurred recently in the family when my niece who at the age of seventeen became a mother.

At this moment, I am certain that to become a good mother is not an overhauling of one’s personality which can be done overnight. It can be learned regardless of one’s station in life. Academic or professional training is not even a passport for perfect parenting. There is no such thing. Reading several books in parenting or even attending seminars on this character, in the absence of will or commitment, no significant impact would still be established. Parenting is a continuing process. It requires endurance, openness, sincerity and most of all guidance from the divine providence.