Learnings from Betrayal

My friends treated me very well during my high school and college days. They were my haven or refuge from the world which I initially thought to be very discriminatory.

I am one year older than my youngest sister but we never had the chance to bond. She was the princess of our family. Her striking beauty became the source of my agitation or perhaps covert jealously as there was then a very strong tendency for people to unconsciously compare me from her. This drove me away from my sister. Hence, I sought refuge from my friends.

In my high school days, I mastered the skills on interpersonal relations. I exerted efforts to win the approval of my so-called friends. I became an expert on how to please them on fear that I might lose one, some or all of them. My life evolved on friendship. I hated loneliness! My sister became the object of my alibi. I was puzzled many times how my younger sister managed to stay at home and only read books the entire day. My sister however assured me that she was contented. I was perplexed. I pictured her as prisoner princess with a very dull life.

I cherished the friendships I established during my high school days. When we parted ways after graduation, some of these friends remained very close to me despite of the distance. Constant communication ignited our connections.

In college, I found it difficult to count the number of friends I gained. Many times, I felt embarrassed when asked to name my best friend. There were too plenty of them to enumerate. I have a very simple measurement for a best friend during my college days. She/He is: 1) a type of person who heavily relies on me, 2) one who demands for my time and attention and finally, (3) one who cannot stay away from me. I was labeled as "24 hour service friend". My task was to secure my availability when so required. But then, I felt I was important. It made me happy, special and loved. When it was time to leave college, I was best remembered for my being a LOYAL FRIEND. Most of them stayed because they know I can still accommodate them at anytime. I was also a good listener. I can easily absorb emotions. I cannot anymore recall how many times I joined my good friends in the so-called "crying sessions" while under the spell of liquor. Thereafter, we ended like neurotics for the sudden change of behavior from loneliness to laughter.

I believe that many times I abandoned my pride only to save friendship. Self-sacrifice was my way to save the trust and confidence reposed on me by my friends. Slowly and unconsciously, I was already weaving a character whom I thought to be the real me. I looked at myself as a friend with very few imperfections. I reasoned out that my sacrifices are sufficient to hold all of them. Openly I told them that I require nothing in return. But at the back of my mind, I was expecting them to acknowledge me as a friend with less imperfections! My obsession to this belief prompted me to condition my friends of how they are to consider me as their friend. Most of them, accepted it without complications.


Then came the ultimate test on my so called "friend" character. In my early twenties, all the pieces which I gathered and strengthened were finally shaken. I met friends who initially fell on my prey. I called it "prey" because I enticed them to accept me. Believing that they liked me in the manner I conceived myself, I also invested my love, attention and loyalty. But everything I planned did not turn out to be good. In my perspective, I felt betrayed. I know I was pictured indifferently. Putting me out of their system is in fact sigh of relief. I did not exactly know at that time how, where, when and why I faulted them? One thing I was sure of, I was loathed, condemned and abandoned.

I was totally shattered. In my whole life, I did nothing but to sculpt friendship from nothing to something. I took care of my character.I valued my friendship so much. My frustrations made me reclusive. My life was driven by a painful memory, haunting fear and undying suspicions. I lost my trust and interest in friendship. But no matter how I avoid to get attached, destiny pulled me closer to different types of persons offering distinctive kinds of friendship so difficult to reject. I realized that I do not want to spend my life running from regrets and living with my past. I opened my eyes and this time I looked at myself. Something came out of my mind and it was so enlightening. I said, what about a friendship that is based on acceptance of who you are including the imperfections? Then I started selling myself in a package with a take it or leave it offer and with no warranties.

I was astonished of the results. I gained new friends, young and matured ones. Overcoming the despair did not come easy. But this time every details about friendship make sense to me. I learned to value everything about my friends. I learned to acknowledge everything he or she does for me and not only those I did for her or him. No more struggle for perfection. Friends are my gifts from God. Gifts are freely given and never dictated.

The Bible says, " Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do."