My friends treated me very well during my high school and college days. They were my haven or refuge from the world which I initially thought to be very discriminatory.
I am one year older than my youngest sister but we never had the chance to bond. She was the princess of our family. Her striking beauty became the source of my agitation or perhaps covert jealously as there was then a very strong tendency for people to unconsciously compare me from her. This drove me away from my sister. Hence, I sought refuge from my friends.
In my high school days, I mastered the skills on interpersonal relations. I exerted efforts to win the approval of my so-called friends. I became an expert on how to please them on fear that I might lose one, some or all of them. My life evolved on friendship. I hated loneliness! My sister became the object of my alibi. I was puzzled many times how my younger sister managed to stay at home and only read books the entire day. My sister however assured me that she was contented. I was perplexed. I pictured her as prisoner princess with a very dull life.
I cherished the friendships I established during my high school days. When we parted ways after graduation, some of these friends remained very close to me despite of the distance. Constant communication ignited our connections.
In college, I found it difficult to count the number of friends I gained. Many times, I felt embarrassed when asked to name my best friend. There were too plenty of them to enumerate. I have a very simple measurement for a best friend during my college days. She/He is: 1) a type of person who heavily relies on me, 2) one who demands for my time and attention and finally, (3) one who cannot stay away from me. I was labeled as "24 hour service friend". My task was to secure my availability when so required. But then, I felt I was important. It made me happy, special and loved. When it was time to leave college, I was best remembered for my being a LOYAL FRIEND. Most of them stayed because they know I can still accommodate them at anytime. I was also a good listener. I can easily absorb emotions. I cannot anymore recall how many times I joined my good friends in the so-called "crying sessions" while under the spell of liquor. Thereafter, we ended like neurotics for the sudden change of behavior from loneliness to laughter.
I believe that many times I abandoned my pride only to save friendship. Self-sacrifice was my way to save the trust and confidence reposed on me by my friends. Slowly and unconsciously, I was already weaving a character whom I thought to be the real me. I looked at myself as a friend with very few imperfections. I reasoned out that my sacrifices are sufficient to hold all of them. Openly I told them that I require nothing in return. But at the back of my mind, I was expecting them to acknowledge me as a friend with less imperfections! My obsession to this belief prompted me to condition my friends of how they are to consider me as their friend. Most of them, accepted it without complications.
Then came the ultimate test on my so called "friend" character. In my early twenties, all the pieces which I gathered and strengthened were finally shaken. I met friends who initially fell on my prey. I called it "prey" because I enticed them to accept me. Believing that they liked me in the manner I conceived myself, I also invested my love, attention and loyalty. But everything I planned did not turn out to be good. In my perspective, I felt betrayed. I know I was pictured indifferently. Putting me out of their system is in fact sigh of relief. I did not exactly know at that time how, where, when and why I faulted them? One thing I was sure of, I was loathed, condemned and abandoned.
I was totally shattered. In my whole life, I did nothing but to sculpt friendship from nothing to something. I took care of my character.I valued my friendship so much. My frustrations made me reclusive. My life was driven by a painful memory, haunting fear and undying suspicions. I lost my trust and interest in friendship. But no matter how I avoid to get attached, destiny pulled me closer to different types of persons offering distinctive kinds of friendship so difficult to reject. I realized that I do not want to spend my life running from regrets and living with my past. I opened my eyes and this time I looked at myself. Something came out of my mind and it was so enlightening. I said, what about a friendship that is based on acceptance of who you are including the imperfections? Then I started selling myself in a package with a take it or leave it offer and with no warranties.
I was astonished of the results. I gained new friends, young and matured ones. Overcoming the despair did not come easy. But this time every details about friendship make sense to me. I learned to value everything about my friends. I learned to acknowledge everything he or she does for me and not only those I did for her or him. No more struggle for perfection. Friends are my gifts from God. Gifts are freely given and never dictated.
The Bible says, " Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do."
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
My Work Insights
Yesterday, I asked myself.... Am I happy with my work? Gosh, I was totally surprised with my inquiry. I guess it was an unexpected introspection brought about by the so-called out Burn Out Syndrome commonly experienced by persons reaching the age of forty but still struggling to create distinctive accomplishments in their professional fields or endeavors.
Long before I joined the government service, my inclination to public service was already identifiable. I took many assessment or evaluative tests and the results reflected this inclination. I trusted the results so much and even equated it with my academic training in human behavior. I made a stern decision to join the government service despite of the consistent warnings of some of my friends who believed that there is no accumulation of wealth on this field.
Of course, I want to be rich, earn a lot of money and then buy the expensive or branded things which I was deprived of when I was still young. Well, I'm not a hypocrite type! My husband oftentimes accused me of being materialistic and vain. I might have shown him slight resistance but I guess my acts succumbed most of the time to his accusations. So what? It's a mere observation with evident tolerance on his part.
When I joined the government service, I was already convinced that I can still acquire the things I want to have. I reasoned out that I'll get remunerated anyway for the services I would render. Hence, I would still be blessed financially. I was aware of the struggles and difficulties which young lawyers should face in order to create a name and identity in the competitive arena of this profession. I told myself, I'll provide my employer of what I can do best. I was determined to mark success in every task that I undertake and then get acknowledge for it. It was just then a very simple perspective of work adhering to the simple formula of WORK + QUALITY= QUALITY OUTPUT. This I believed was my road to success. If I get promoted, it means an increase in my salary and benefits.
Initially, it was rewarding. In a government agency where I used to work, I was entrusted with multifarious duties. The nature of my work was executive in character which demanded confidence, decisiveness and diligence. I became a model employee for three (3) consecutive years. I got promoted thrice in the span of six (6) years. Finally, I was stuck after my last promotion. It is the last position which I can aim for a promotion in said office unless of course if I choose a defying remedy and that is to unseat the chief of the office. I was not that desperate.Besides my former boss did earn my respect and admiration. A decision on my part has to be made.... do I need to move on or not? For six (6) years, it was not all labor which I invested. I also willingly invested myself. I learned to value my established relationship with my office mates. Moreover, I was also deeply infused with the agency's working atmosphere. I can recall there was a time I almost left the office. I was appointed to a chief position of the mother department of the same agency. New kind of work, new people to supervise and the most inviting, an opportunity for prestige or popularity. But when I was already instructed to assume the post, surprisingly I found myself declining it. I came out with several reasons only to appease the hiatus which I already caused. When it was my time to convince myself that I made a good decision, I settled to a justification that the salary and benefits were at par with what I was receiving then from my agency. Funny because I also persuaded myself that my prospective working environment is life threatening. No room for advancement or self-actualization.
Then the finances of my family grew. My husband's income became erratic or variable. My teaching job, which is another legitimate source of my income was not sufficient to augment the other needs of my family. My desire to continue living comfortably was one of my greatest concerns. Many times I told myself, living comfortably is just a reward for my dedication to work. After all, labor once given or contributed cannot anymore be withdrawn These circumstances led me to reassess my priorities. At first, I felt it was too compromising. But when my good friends suggested me to take a new challenge. Something which I either fear or hate to do or both. Then I thought of joining the government pool of prosecutors. At that moment, this field perfectly described what challenge is all about for me.
Without difficulty, I succeeded in joining the prosecution service. I was expecting that learning the prosecutorial skills would be easy similarly as to how I landed to the job. Well, I was totally mistaken.
For three (3) years, I painstakingly studied all the cases which were assigned to me. I tracked down all my incoming hearing schedules. I have to take a dilapidated non airconditioned bus and travel several kilometers before I can reach my court assignments. To ensure the availability of my witnesses, I was forced to provide them transportation allowances. Due to poverty, they cannot afford to come to court during scheduled hearings. How can I forget the viral infections including the life threatening dengue fever I contracted? Hospital expenses depleted my personal savings. Thanks to my mom and siblings who helped me pay for my hospital bills. I was deprived of good and sound sleep. Why? I remembered praying every night for postponements every time I have hearing schedules the next day. I really thought I would suffer a nervous breakdown. I also despised opposing lawyers including the judges who capitalized on my lack of experience and confidence.
When I was finally adjusted to my work, appreciating the intrinsic value of my foregoing experiences came easily. I realized that they were not meant to be sordid at all. I discovered the true meaning of the word "fulfillment". For the first time in my life, I felt fulfillment in my work. My growth was gradual. I gained and exhibited confidence. Later on, I learned professionalism so I took away personal or emotional prejudices from my official duties. Before this realization, my fear was focused on incompetence. I was afraid that I might not win any of the cases I handle. But professional maturity expanded my understanding. I soon discovered that my ultimate fear is not anymore incompetence but my inability to truly promote the administration of justice. I am one of the few prosecutors who espoused the precept that prosecution service is not purely designed to prosecute an accused of a crime regardless of the prevailing conditions. Part of my realization is the need to discover the truth... to ensure that only the guilty ones should go to jail for the crime charged. Thus, when I lost my case because the crime was not actually proven or because there was no evidence that the accused committed the crime, surprising I felt no grudge or disappointment. Certainly, I consider this as unique and different kind of accomplishment for me.
In 2005, I was appointed to a chief position. I heard some of my colleagues castigating my appointment. They said I was too young for the post and I lack experience. I hold the post for three (3) years now and I believe I have contributed significant changes in the office which is evidently commendable. Preoccupied with my managerial duties, I gave up court appearances two years ago in favor of newly appointed prosecutors under my supervision. A year after I gave up court appearances, I felt no regrets. The truth then, I was relieved from daily pressures.
But lately, I'm agitated with my regular work activities. My duties including those which are categorized as acts of discretion or decision-making appear to me as ministerial and perfunctory ones. It's totally humdrum and meaningless. I love to work and I usually give my best for it. To me work is not purely mechanical. It requires the use of mental or intellectual faculties. I guess this is one that makes it so exhausting.
My greatest challenge now is how to cope up with work exhaustion. How to live with my ideals and protect it from my strong enemy... EXHAUSTION. Boredom and dissatisfaction are both products of exhaustion. I already ruled out retirement or resignation as a solution as this could be a manifestation or acceptance of my futility. I believe I am still capable to contribute more.
To some my predicament is an exaggeration. But believe me when your drive is pushed to the limits and thwarted by your physical or mental incapabilities, you will experience this unexplainable withdrawal which is quite difficult to control and overcome.
No one can help me but myself. I need to cope up with this predicament. My priority remains. I still want to mark success in my present undertaking. But Success comes from determination. Thus, I must begin accumulating my strength and then develop it to a determination. As instilled in my heart, public service is imbued with noble objectives. If I aim to possess it, I must be armed with a strong determination.
Long before I joined the government service, my inclination to public service was already identifiable. I took many assessment or evaluative tests and the results reflected this inclination. I trusted the results so much and even equated it with my academic training in human behavior. I made a stern decision to join the government service despite of the consistent warnings of some of my friends who believed that there is no accumulation of wealth on this field.
Of course, I want to be rich, earn a lot of money and then buy the expensive or branded things which I was deprived of when I was still young. Well, I'm not a hypocrite type! My husband oftentimes accused me of being materialistic and vain. I might have shown him slight resistance but I guess my acts succumbed most of the time to his accusations. So what? It's a mere observation with evident tolerance on his part.
When I joined the government service, I was already convinced that I can still acquire the things I want to have. I reasoned out that I'll get remunerated anyway for the services I would render. Hence, I would still be blessed financially. I was aware of the struggles and difficulties which young lawyers should face in order to create a name and identity in the competitive arena of this profession. I told myself, I'll provide my employer of what I can do best. I was determined to mark success in every task that I undertake and then get acknowledge for it. It was just then a very simple perspective of work adhering to the simple formula of WORK + QUALITY= QUALITY OUTPUT. This I believed was my road to success. If I get promoted, it means an increase in my salary and benefits.
Initially, it was rewarding. In a government agency where I used to work, I was entrusted with multifarious duties. The nature of my work was executive in character which demanded confidence, decisiveness and diligence. I became a model employee for three (3) consecutive years. I got promoted thrice in the span of six (6) years. Finally, I was stuck after my last promotion. It is the last position which I can aim for a promotion in said office unless of course if I choose a defying remedy and that is to unseat the chief of the office. I was not that desperate.Besides my former boss did earn my respect and admiration. A decision on my part has to be made.... do I need to move on or not? For six (6) years, it was not all labor which I invested. I also willingly invested myself. I learned to value my established relationship with my office mates. Moreover, I was also deeply infused with the agency's working atmosphere. I can recall there was a time I almost left the office. I was appointed to a chief position of the mother department of the same agency. New kind of work, new people to supervise and the most inviting, an opportunity for prestige or popularity. But when I was already instructed to assume the post, surprisingly I found myself declining it. I came out with several reasons only to appease the hiatus which I already caused. When it was my time to convince myself that I made a good decision, I settled to a justification that the salary and benefits were at par with what I was receiving then from my agency. Funny because I also persuaded myself that my prospective working environment is life threatening. No room for advancement or self-actualization.
Then the finances of my family grew. My husband's income became erratic or variable. My teaching job, which is another legitimate source of my income was not sufficient to augment the other needs of my family. My desire to continue living comfortably was one of my greatest concerns. Many times I told myself, living comfortably is just a reward for my dedication to work. After all, labor once given or contributed cannot anymore be withdrawn These circumstances led me to reassess my priorities. At first, I felt it was too compromising. But when my good friends suggested me to take a new challenge. Something which I either fear or hate to do or both. Then I thought of joining the government pool of prosecutors. At that moment, this field perfectly described what challenge is all about for me.
Without difficulty, I succeeded in joining the prosecution service. I was expecting that learning the prosecutorial skills would be easy similarly as to how I landed to the job. Well, I was totally mistaken.
For three (3) years, I painstakingly studied all the cases which were assigned to me. I tracked down all my incoming hearing schedules. I have to take a dilapidated non airconditioned bus and travel several kilometers before I can reach my court assignments. To ensure the availability of my witnesses, I was forced to provide them transportation allowances. Due to poverty, they cannot afford to come to court during scheduled hearings. How can I forget the viral infections including the life threatening dengue fever I contracted? Hospital expenses depleted my personal savings. Thanks to my mom and siblings who helped me pay for my hospital bills. I was deprived of good and sound sleep. Why? I remembered praying every night for postponements every time I have hearing schedules the next day. I really thought I would suffer a nervous breakdown. I also despised opposing lawyers including the judges who capitalized on my lack of experience and confidence.
When I was finally adjusted to my work, appreciating the intrinsic value of my foregoing experiences came easily. I realized that they were not meant to be sordid at all. I discovered the true meaning of the word "fulfillment". For the first time in my life, I felt fulfillment in my work. My growth was gradual. I gained and exhibited confidence. Later on, I learned professionalism so I took away personal or emotional prejudices from my official duties. Before this realization, my fear was focused on incompetence. I was afraid that I might not win any of the cases I handle. But professional maturity expanded my understanding. I soon discovered that my ultimate fear is not anymore incompetence but my inability to truly promote the administration of justice. I am one of the few prosecutors who espoused the precept that prosecution service is not purely designed to prosecute an accused of a crime regardless of the prevailing conditions. Part of my realization is the need to discover the truth... to ensure that only the guilty ones should go to jail for the crime charged. Thus, when I lost my case because the crime was not actually proven or because there was no evidence that the accused committed the crime, surprising I felt no grudge or disappointment. Certainly, I consider this as unique and different kind of accomplishment for me.
In 2005, I was appointed to a chief position. I heard some of my colleagues castigating my appointment. They said I was too young for the post and I lack experience. I hold the post for three (3) years now and I believe I have contributed significant changes in the office which is evidently commendable. Preoccupied with my managerial duties, I gave up court appearances two years ago in favor of newly appointed prosecutors under my supervision. A year after I gave up court appearances, I felt no regrets. The truth then, I was relieved from daily pressures.
But lately, I'm agitated with my regular work activities. My duties including those which are categorized as acts of discretion or decision-making appear to me as ministerial and perfunctory ones. It's totally humdrum and meaningless. I love to work and I usually give my best for it. To me work is not purely mechanical. It requires the use of mental or intellectual faculties. I guess this is one that makes it so exhausting.
My greatest challenge now is how to cope up with work exhaustion. How to live with my ideals and protect it from my strong enemy... EXHAUSTION. Boredom and dissatisfaction are both products of exhaustion. I already ruled out retirement or resignation as a solution as this could be a manifestation or acceptance of my futility. I believe I am still capable to contribute more.
To some my predicament is an exaggeration. But believe me when your drive is pushed to the limits and thwarted by your physical or mental incapabilities, you will experience this unexplainable withdrawal which is quite difficult to control and overcome.
No one can help me but myself. I need to cope up with this predicament. My priority remains. I still want to mark success in my present undertaking. But Success comes from determination. Thus, I must begin accumulating my strength and then develop it to a determination. As instilled in my heart, public service is imbued with noble objectives. If I aim to possess it, I must be armed with a strong determination.
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